My Christmas Story

Christmas. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, right? I have always thought so. Lights, decorations, parties, happiness, celebrating the birth of our Savior. Always, always has been my favorite time. This year, well this year is a bit different. Yes, we had fun opening gifts and had a few laughs with my sister in IL. Some really fun moments, actually. Unfortunately, that won’t be my Christmas memory. My Christmas memory will be sitting by my mom’s bedside for a few minutes at a time while she was awake. It was only a few minutes as she was asleep most of the weekend. She had a smile for us when we arrived, but by the time we left on Tuesday, she hardly knew what was going on. Unless you have experienced sitting by the side of someone who is in their final days, you can’t begin to grasp what it is like no matter how many things I would tell you. Or, at least, I know I couldn’t have before this past weekend. Helpless and in pain. Deteriorating physically and mentally. I will never get the image of her out of my mind as we sat a couple of hours with her before coming home to Iowa. She wasn’t the strong willed, stubborn, opinionated woman who I once knew. Yes, my mom…..

I must be honest. My mom and I have never had the close relationship I see so many have. We have disagreed and argued on everything from politics to the Bible to how to be a mother to why we would want to have pets. There has been a lot of pain in our relationship. But, now…seeing her as she is…..that is not the fighting mom I once had. She is weak and defeated.  In my heart there is now sympathy and forgiveness. There is some regret for times I hurt her and there is still some wishful thinking of what could have been. But, I know at the bottom of it all, around it all, there is love.

I don’t understand why she is still with us on this earth.  I have a very strong faith and believe that “all things work for the good” but when I’m in the middle of this, watching this, I struggle. It’s easy to tell someone else there is a reason. Not so good at it when it is this close to me. So, when I let myself, I rest in God. I know that we may never know why. I have to trust and believe. A friend recently reminded me of these verses:

The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year. It will be again. But, for now....this is my memory. This is my family picture. This is what I will hold on to instead of the painful images.